Nothing But The Whole Wide World

Bella? Baby, are you okay?"
I nod.
She leans over me and asks again. This time she looks directly at my face; I think that maybe she hadn't seen my first nod, when if fact I know that she's probably checking to see if I'm lying.
I nod again and say yes.

"Are you fighting with Boy?"

I shake my head.

"Are you sick?
^{"No, I'm not sick."}

The truth.

"You're just not feeling good?"
^{"I'm just tired."}

The lie.

She rubs my back for a bit and then stops, and I'm left to wonder why I didn't just tell her how I was feeling.
That I'm scared.
But I hate admitting it.
That I just needed a hug.
But I didn't want to ask for it.

So instead, I just laid on her lap while she played with her itouch on my head and rubbed my back. That was the closest I had gotten to telling her that I needed someone to be there for me.

Then she left and gave me her jacket to lay on.
I nearly cried.
But I don't beg for attention, so I just layed there on my makeshift pillow and thought about what I really wanted.

*****

I've been putting off writing for a while. There are a lot of emotions and ideas that I want to avoid. Instead, I let my feeling have thier own discussion in my head. Fear mixed with sadness mixed with loneliness mixed with regret mixed with nervousness and everything in between.

I wish I had hugged Maggie and cried in her arms because she always knows how to be ridiculous enough to make me smile. And I wish she wouldn't leave.

I wish that I had gotten to know Des more. I always felt that we were the one's that would connect strongly because we were both straight. I was wrong.

I wish that Chloe and I were the best friends that we were supposed to be.

I wish that Taylor and I talked like we used to.

I wish I could feel like I was a part of something bigger than myself.

I wish that I could feel like I will never again have friends that know me, trust me, love me, like the ones I have now do.

I wish that my friends would talk to me just to talk, not to ask me what the homework is, or if I could grab something for them, if I know where someone else is so they could talk to them and then ignore me.

I wish I felt like after high school, all of my friendships with the people that surround me now, will continue for years to come. Instead, I feel like they will all fall apart.

I wish I didn't complain.

I wish I didn't care.